HaBO: It’s Always Fun When They’re Funny
A+
This query made me LOL like AOL and ROFLMAO like Chairman Mao. Enjoy A’s request with me, won’t you?
Let me start by saying I have NO idea why I want to re-read this book
because it just sounds awful, but that seems to change nothing because the
darned thing sticks in my head and I want to read it anyway, even if it’s
probably going to hit the wall 10 times before I finish it (so I’d rather
not use my e-reader). The book had to have been published prior to 2000
because I remember reading it in high school, but it’s very probable it was
published prior to that.
The main thing I remember is that the lead female (I want to say her name
was Kate) is the best friend of the hero’s little sister. The hero,
upstanding guy that she is, thinks she’s a big ol’ slutbag because of a
misunderstanding at the beginning of the book involving her being naked in a
poolhouse while changing clothes, when a snake comes in and scares the tar
out of her. Hero comes in just as Heroine is clinging nakedly to Random
Witless Male Bystander and of course Hero assumes she’s the afforementioned
big ol’ ho-bag. Wackiness ensues over the course of several years where
he’s attracted to her and makes her feel like a skank because of his
issues. Of course the heroine is actually a virgin and would never allow
someone who wasn’t the hero to approach her sacred love cavern with their
rod of steel, but the hero refuses to believe it and treats her like crap
for most of the book.I also might be confusing this part of the plot with another book, but it
seems like the main character is so much the Queen Ultimate Virgin of All
Things Unpenetrated that she has some kind of physical problem and there’s
this doctor who’s all, “We must surgically remove your hymen or this dude
and his purple-headed love stick are going to rip you a new one -
literally,” and the heroine is all, “But no, if you remove my hymen, how
will the douchebag I’m in love with know that I’m not a big ol’ slut
bag?” And there’s a big dramatic sex scene involving pain and the hero is
all, “Oh darn me and this freakishly giant penis! I could have hurt you.
You must really love me to do such a thing.”So does this ring any bells for anyone? Honestly, I have no idea why I want
to re-read this book, but it’s been driving me crazy for about 6 months
since it first popped back into my head. I want to say it’s a Diana Palmer
(and it sounds exactly like her kind of thing) but I looked through her
booklist and didn’t see anything that matched it.
Seriously. I hope that this book is found so that it can be read and reread by ALL OF US. Because OMG. WTF. BBQ.
Slapping Fear on a Funny Bone: Jeff Strand
Jeff Strand one of the world’s best comic-horror fiction authors has finally come out in ebooks. Actually, that’s not true.
As Jeff likes to tell it, he was self publishing ebooks before ebooks were cool. He tells the story best in a guest post titled: The Long Strange Trip of “The Sinister Mr. Corpse” by Jeff Strand
As far as publishing history, Jeff’s horror ebooks are a mixed bag. Some are self published, others were published in ebook format by a publisher.
If you love laughter with your horror, if you thought Buffy the Vampire Slayer wasn’t funny enough, if oozing bodily fluids and flying body parts makes you snicker, then you need to check out Jeff Strand’s ebooks.
Except for Pressure.
Pressure is a case of the comic playing Shakespeare. Ohhh, Jeff wrote a very intense, horrifying book . . . but it’s not funny.
Not one little bit.
But it is scary.
Just sayin’
Remember, if you are interested in this book, click the mouse on the book cover to order it from an online bookseller through an affiliate link.
_ebook.jpg "Jeff Strand's Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) is the first bloody, funny, thriller and horror book in the Andrew Mayhem series") |
Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) (An Andrew Mayhem Thriller #1)Author: Strand, Jeff |
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When you’re desperate for money, searching for a little adventure, and aren’t the most responsible person in the world, you can end up doing some outrageous things. Which is how Andrew Mayhem, an extremely married father of two, ends up accepting ,000 to find a key . . . a key buried with a body in a shallow grave. But what he finds in the grave isn’t quite what he expected, and what begins as a simple evening of morally questionable manual labor turns into a really good way to die. Andrew finds himself investigating a murder while forced into a bizarre game of wits and courage played by an unseen killer with a twisted sense of humor. It’s a game that will involve him with a group of filmmakers known as Ghoulish Delights, who are hiding a secret that will test every last bit of Andrew’s nerve to discover. And it’s impossible to find a babysitter. |
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In Single White Psychopath Seeks Same (An Andrew Mayhem Thriller #2)Author: Strand, Jeff |
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“Sometimes you wake up in the morning and you just know it’s going to be the kind of day where you end up tied to a chair in a filthy garage while a pair of tooth-deprived lunatics torment you with a chainsaw. So as I struggled against the ropes, I can’t say I was all that surprised.” Yes, Andrew Mayhem, hero of the bestselling comedy/thriller Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) is back. Still incredibly brave. Still ridiculously irresponsible. And this time, becoming chainsaw fodder is one of his lesser worries. He’s forced to pose as a serial killer known as The Headhunter in order to infiltrate a group of maniacs who’ve gathered in an isolated Alaskan mansion for a weekend of murderous games. Can he free the potential victims in time . . . or will he be forced to participate in their demise? Even more twisted than its predecessor, Single White Psychopath Seeks Same is another outrageous blend of the hilarious and the horrifying, one that will keep you laughing, gasping, and guessing from beginning to end. |
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_ebook.jpg "Jeff Strand's Casket For Sale (Only Used Once) is the third bloody, funny, thriller and horror book in the Andrew Mayhem series") |
Casket For Sale (Only Used Once) (An Andrew Mayhem Thriller #3)Author: Strand, Jeff |
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In Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), he took a job digging up a shallow grave. It turned out badly. In Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, he took a job as a bodyguard at a seance. It turned out worse. But now, meet the new, improved Andrew Mayhem. He has a real job. He’s a better father and husband. And he’s vowed to quit accepting money from strange women in coffee shops to perform tasks that go terribly, terribly wrong. This time he’s just taking a relaxing camping trip with his family and best friend. No shortcuts. The gas tank is full. The sinister warning of the crazy old man is taken seriously. Unfortunately, when you’re Andrew Mayhem, you just can’t help being attacked by a group of savage killers bent on inflicting ghastly torture and bringing horrific death. Relentlessly pursued through a booby-trapped forest, it’s one crisis after another as Andrew fights to protect his family, loses a body part or two, and faces the single darkest moment of his entire life. Action-packed, twisted, and completely outrageous, Casket For Sale (Only Used Once) is the funniest and scariest Andrew Mayhem adventure yet! |
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MandiblesAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Fire ants. Even when they’re normal sized, they’re horrible, wretched insects whose sting causes burning pain. But these ants are far from normal. And the city of Tampa, Florida has become infested with the oversized creatures. From the demented author of Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary) and Pressure comes a relentlessly paced novel of insect terror. As the city descends into pure chaos on a hot summer afternoon before the Fourth of July weekend, four groups of survivors must make their way to safety, past thousands of hyper-aggressive ants that can finish you off with just one searing sting. Dustin, an entomologist, may have the secret to what is happening. Unfortunately, he’s being held hostage by a pair of psychopathic convenience store robbers who are just as happy to let the city burn. Packed with humor, action, and thrills, Mandibles is an over the top, large-scale, carnage-filled, insects-on-a-rampage extravaganza! |
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PressureAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Nominated for the 2006 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Novel They first met in boarding school — Alex, shy and nervous, and Darren, constantly scribbling in his journal. They became best friends in college. Alex always knew Darren was a little odd. He didn’t know his friend was murderously insane until Darren asked Alex to join him in his blood-soaked fun. They could be a team, hunting and slaughtering human prey. Alex doesn’t want any part of it. He’s no monster. But Darren is twisted, deadly . . . and determined. And he won’t take no for an answer. |
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The Sinister Mr. CorpseAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Zombies . . . Sometimes they rise from the grave, hungering for human flesh . . . Sometimes they’re created by a mad scientist intent on forming an unstoppable army of the undead . . . Sometimes the zombie plague is transmitted by a horrific virus . . . . . . and sometimes, they’re resurrected in front of millions of viewers as part of a live primetime television special. This is the story of Stanley Dabernath, zombie. A regular guy who dies, is brought back to life as a ghastly walking cadaver, and becomes the international sensation hailed by the press as The Amazing Mr. Corpse. Fame! Wealth! Groupies! Despite his ghoulish appearance, Stanley finds himself living the dream. But in many ways, it’s harder to be a celebrity than a zombie. The suits behind Project Second Chance want to tell him how to behave in public. It’s difficult to enjoy a simple restaurant meal in peace. There’s constant pressure coming at him from all sides –- not to mention that many people consider him a vile blasphemy that should be erased from existence. And does Project Second Chance have Stanley’s best interests in mind, or is the real reason behind his reanimation something much more . . . sinister? |
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Gleefully Macabre TalesAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Nominated for the 2008 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Collection Cemetery Dance magazine says that “No author working today comes close to Jeff Strand’s perfect mixture of comedy and terror.” Gleefully Macabre Tales compiles 32 of his most twisted blends of cringe-worthy horror and ghoulish humor, with a couple of serious pieces thrown in just to mess with you. This collection includes tales from his three chapbooks (Two Twisted Nuts, Socially Awkward Moments With An Aspiring Lunatic, and Funny Stories of Scary Sex) and numerous other stories both popular and obscure, including “Really, Really Ferocious” (the one with the wiener dog), “High Stakes” (the one with the slot machine), “Roasting Weenies by Hellfire” (the one with Satan), “The Bad Candy House” (the one with a very unpleasant old man at Halloween) and “The Socket” (the one with the eyeball socket). And, as a special demented bonus, the ebook edition includes the novella Disposal. It also includes two of his entries in the World Horror Convention gross-out contest. But you don’t want to read them. So if you’re looking to laugh, gasp, gag, or do all three at the same time, making sort of a weird sound that hurts your lungs and elicits odd glances from nearby pedestrians, don’t miss Gleefully Macabre Tales! Partial Table of Contents:
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Benjamin’s ParasiteAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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At any given moment, the human body contains millions of parasites. This is the story of just one. A really, really nasty one. Benjamin Wilson was having a lousy month even before the stomach pains began. He was about to turn forty. One of his students had been shot while on a homicidal meat cleaver rampage. And shortly after the funeral, Benjamin didn’t feel so good . . . Now everything is changing. His body is being affected in some very unpleasant ways. His personality is developing a few “quirks.” But the biggest change is that he has a bunch of evil and/or psychotic people trying to hunt him down to acquire the parasite. His only hope is Julie, a gorgeous bounty hunter who may or may not have Benjamin’s best interests in mind, and who may or may not be competent enough to help him anyway. Jeff Strand, author of The Sinister Mr. Corpse, Gleefully Macabre Tales, and Pressure, delivers his most outrageous adventure yet — an over-the-top mix of gruesome body horror and a wacky road trip comedy. You’ll laugh until your intestines scramble. |
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SuckersAuthor: Strand, Jeff and J.A. Konrath |
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Masters of the comedy thriller genre, J.A. Konrath and Jeff Strand, team up for the humorous horror novella Suckers. Strand’s perpetually unlucky character Andrew Mayhem, star of the novels Graverobbers Wanted (No Experience Necessary), Single White Psychopath Seeks Same, and Casket For Sale (Only Used Once), sets off on a simple mission at the request of his wife: Get some spaghetti sauce. On his way to the store he meets Konrath’s obnoxious private eye Harry McGlade, co-star of the Lt. Jack Daniels thrillers Whiskey Sour, Bloody Mary, Rusty Nail, Dirty Martini, Fuzzy Navel, and Cherry Bomb. Horrific violence, bad jokes, and lots of name calling soon ensues. Some sex, too, but not between the main characters. Originally, published as a very expensive limited-edition hardcover, Suckers is now available as a super cheap ebook. But the fun doesn’t stop there. Also included in this ebook are six other Mayhem and McGlade stories, many of them rare and long out of print.
If that’s not enough to get you to part with your pocket change, this ebook also includes two brand new introductions written by the authors, and an exclusive Strand/Konrath interview. That’s over 53,000 words worth of demented entertainment, for half the price of a kiddie meal at that fast food restaurant with the scary clown. It’s also 1/3 of the calories. Warning: Some of the jokes (mostly Konrath’s) push the boundaries of good taste. Don’t buy this if you’re easily offended. You also get a bonus excerpt from the hilarious novel, My Gun Has Bullets, by Lee Goldberg. Here’s what critics and bestselling authors have to say: “JA Konrath is the greatest writer who ever lived!” — Jeff Strand, published author of Benjamin’s Parasite. “No, no, Jeff Strand is way better!” — JA Konrath, published author of Whiskey Sour. “I officially withdraw my previous quote based on new information provided by JA Konrath’s quote. Jeff Strand is the greatest writer who ever lived!” — Jeff Strand, published author of The Sinister Mr. Corpse. “Of course, Jack Kilborn is better than both of us combined and mixed with a side helping of the Bronte sisters.” — JA Konrath, published author of the more mediocre half of Suckers. “Well, duh.” — Jeff Strand, published author of the half of Suckers that’s okay, sort of, if your expectations aren’t too high. |
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DwellerAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Nominated for the 2010 Bram Stoker Award for Superior Achievement in a Novel Toby was just a boy the first time he saw the creature in the woods. His parents convinced the terrified child it was only his imagination. The next time Toby saw the creature he was a lonely, unhappy teenager without friends. But the creature would be his friend. It would be there when Toby needed someone to talk to. And it would take care of the bullies who wouldn’t leave Toby alone. After all, the creature needed to eat. And during their macabre, decades-long friendship, there will be other meals. . . . |
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DraculasAuthor: Strand, Jeff; Blake Crouch, Jack Kilborn, and F. Paul Wilson |
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A Dying Man’s Greatest Treasure . . . Mortimer Moorecook, retired Wall Street raider, avid collector, is losing his fight against cancer. With weeks to live, a package arrives at the door of his hillside mansion — an artifact he paid millions for . . . a hominoid skull with elongated teeth, discovered in a farmer’s field in the Romanian countryside. With Shanna, his beautiful research assistant looking on, he sinks the skull’s razor sharp fangs into his neck, and immediately goes into convulsions. Opens the Door to an Ancient Evil . . . A rural hospital. A slow night in the ER. Until Moorecook arrives strapped to a gurney, where he promptly codes and dies. Where Death is Just the Beginning . . . Four well-known horror authors pool their penchants for scares and thrills, and tackle one of the greatest of all legends, with each writer creating a unique character and following them through a vampire outbreak in a secluded hospital. The goal was simple: write the most intense novel they possibly could. Which they did. A Word of Warning: Within these pages, you will find no black capes, no satin-lined coffins, no brooding heartthrobs who want to talk about your feelings. Forget sunlight and stakes. Throw out your garlic and your crosses. This is the Anti-TWILIGHT. NOTE: Draculas is a full length novel, 80,000 words long. But this ebook is also brimming with an additional 80,000 words of extras and bonuses:
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Wolf HuntAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Two thugs. One innocent woman. And one VICIOUS frickin’ werewolf. Meet George and Lou, thugs for hire. The kind of intimidating-yet-friendly guys who will break your thumbs, but be polite about it. Their latest assignment is to drive across Florida to deliver some precious cargo to a crime lord. The cargo: a man in a cage. Though Ivan seems perfectly human, they’re warned that he is, in fact, a bloodthirsty werewolf. George and Lou don’t believe in the supernatural, but even if they did, it’s daytime and tonight isn’t the full moon. Their instructions are straightforward: Do not open the cage. Do not reach into the cage. Do not throw anything into the cage. And they don’t. Unfortunately, Ivan doesn’t play by the usual werewolf rules, and the thugs find themselves suddenly responsible for a ferocious escaped beast. One who can transform at will. One who enjoys killing in human form as much as he enjoys killing as a monster. If George and Lou want to save their careers, dozens of people, and their own lives, they need to recapture him. Because Ivan the werewolf is in the mood for a murder spree . . . From Jeff Strand, the three-time Bram Stoker Award nominated author of Pressure, comes this action-packed, blood-soaked tale of werewolf terror! |
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The Mad and the MacabreAuthor: Strand, Jeff and Michael McBride |
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The Mad and The Macabre . . . Two novellas, previously only available as hardcover limited editions, now joined together into one affordable package! Kutter by Jeff Strand Charlie Stanlon is a serial killer. A ghastly, vicious sociopath who chains women to a table in his basement and tortures them to death. He has no friends. He has no family. He despises his co-workers. His only pleasure in life is to cause pain and terror. Until the day he finds an adorable Boston Terrier and takes it home . . . Remains by Michael McBride On May 21st, 2008, seven graduate students in Religious Studies set out from the University of Colorado in search of God. Armed with only their faith and the scriptures, they traveled to the western slope of the Rocky Mountains. None of them were ever heard from again. On November 13th, 2010, their families set off to recreate their final days in hopes of discovering their fate . . . |
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FangboyAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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Nathan Pepper seemed like an ordinary baby . . . except for a mouth full of scary sharp teeth. Because his life began with his grandmother strongly recommending that he be destroyed as soon as possible, it’s safe to say that Nathan was not destined for a typical existence. He hated the nickname “Fangboy,” but nobody could deny that he was the most frightening little boy in town. And he would have adventures of every sort. Tragic adventures, like what happened to his parents. Dangerous adventures, like his encounter with the sinister Professor Mongrel. Thrilling adventures, like the part where he’s on an out-of-control horse and he can’t make it stop running and you think “Well, he should just jump off,” but he CAN’T because it’s going too fast and he could break a leg. And, yes, one particularly gruesome adventure, though it is not described in great detail. Will things end happily for Nathan? Will he bite somebody? Gather your family and your most deranged friends, make some chocolate chip cookies, and share the dark comedy treat of Fangboy, a bizarre yet heartwarming yet rather tasteless saga that — all ego aside — will define a generation. |
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August 2000 (NOOKbook — Hard Shell Word Factory)
April 2011 (Kindle — Jeff Strand)
April 2011 (ebook — Jeff Strand)
February 2010 (Kindle — Dark Regions Press)
April 2010 (ebook — Delirium Books)
The Not-So-Scary Books
These books don’t really have a drop of horror in them as far as I can tell. Nope, no horror. Not even close enough to fudge like I did with the Andrew Mayhem Thrillers.
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How to Rescue a Dead PrincessAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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From the creative genius who would have brought you Hamlet, The Scarlet Letter, and a less-boring Moby Dick (if he’d been born on time) comes this outrageous comic fantasy. It’s a tale filled with so much adventure, so much excitement, so much vocabulary, that all who read it will suffer a fit of giddiness that will freak out everyone in their general vicinity. It’s the saga of Randall, a squire assigned to escort the lovely Princess Janice on a diplomatic journey of utmost importance. Then she gets killed. Now Randall must overcome desperate odds and ridiculous dangers in his quest to bring her back to life . . . before the entire Generic Fantasy Land falls into the evil clutches of The Dark One! Packed to the bursting point with unrestrained silliness (so be sure to hold it a safe distance from your face when reading), How to Rescue a Dead Princess is the novel all the really cool people are reading this year, an epic fantasy for your family to cherish approximately forever. |
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Elrod McBugle on the LooseAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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A comedy for kids . . . and adults who were warped as kids! The students at Greenwater Junior High have said they’ll never forget this year, and Elrod McBugle is the reason. He’s not a bad person. He doesn’t TRY to get in trouble, cause mayhem, and occasionally blow things up . . . it just happens. And it’s going to happen again and again! Share Elrod’s hilarious adventures as he faces the wrath of the Slurpy Gulp Beverage Company, tries to become a millionaire selling homemade bubble gum, survives a wild squirrel attack, tries to find out if his math teacher is an axe murderer, and much, much more! Watch out, everyone . . . Elrod McBugle is on the loose! |
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Out of WhackAuthor: Strand, Jeff |
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From the author of How to Rescue a Dead Princess comes Out of Whack, an outrageous comedy about friendship, love, following your dreams, and other really scary stuff. Seth Trexler has two goals in life: to find success with his off-the-wall sketch comedy troupe, and to win the girl of his dreams. But when you suffer from brain-erasing stage fright and an incredible female-phobia, those goals can be a bit tricky to attain. With his best friend Travis at his side, Seth struggles to overcome his fears (along with the 2,873 other roadblocks in the path to success) in this hilariously demented yet heartfelt tale. But don’t read it for the laughs. And don’t read it for the heartfelt parts. Read it for the sex scene, which proves that even if you’re filled with ravenous animal passion, trying to dramatically tear off somebody’s underwear can only lead to wedgies. |
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If you have found this list helpful, feel free to book mark it. I’ll be periodically updating the list as new e-books come out.
Like This Article? Then Please, Pass It On!
Horror Books with the Undead Rat
FUNNY WOMEN #52: Literary Classics Summarized As Trashy Romance Novels
To Whom It May Concern Regarding the Freelance Writer Position for eHarlequin.com:
Hello. I noticed you hadn’t gotten back to me regarding the freelance writer position, but I am writing to assure you that I am still very interested in writing back cover copy for eHarlequin.com. To demonstrate my ability, I have taken seven novels you may know and rewrote their summaries to address your target demographic. In an effort to make your reading experience more authentic, I’ve even taken the liberty of renaming the book titles to more accurately reflect the literature you typically publish. Please let me know what you think.
Best,
Rhoda Belleza
Symptom of Obsession by Gabriel Garcia Marquez
(Love in the Time of Cholera)
Fermina is headstrong, sexy, and totally unpredictable. While her father insists she choose a husband, she’d rather spend her time seducing village boys along the Magdalena River. Left in her heartbreak trail is Florentino, a mysterious man with whom she spends one steamy, unforgettable Caribbean night. In the years that follow, Florentino’s affections grow into a dangerous obsession that threatens to jeopardize her present life with the handsome Doctor Urbino. Florentino’s dirty letters and irresistible body put Fermina between a rock and his hard place, and she loves the way it feels. In the tug of war between the two men that want her, only one will come out on top…on top of her, that is.
Bonds and Bondage by Vladimir Nabokov
(Lolita)
Dolores Haze is a young woman trying to outrun a terrible family secret, but the reappearance of an old flame makes her feel like the naughty schoolgirl she once was. Mr. H is a mysterious, older man with a distinguished academic career…whose appetite for knowledge is only surpassed by his appetite for her body. He forces her to confront the intensity of that hot summer spent together…as outlaws and as lovers. In recalling their journey of lust and manipulation, she unravels a twisted secret that neither of them are ready to face. Before long, Dolores will have Mr. H on his knees…and doing a lot more than begging for forgiveness.
Derailed by Desire by Ayn Rand
(Atlas Shrugged)
Dangy is a sexy, high-powered railroad executive who always gets the job done. But when her employees are kidnapped by a radical leader, she’ll need all the muscle she can get her hands on. Enter Hank–the strong, sexy owner of “Rearden Steel,” who definitely knows how to yield some steel of his own. Using their combined knowledge of motors and explosives, they’ll embark on a dangerous mission: to release the hostages and blow up the compound–but temperatures will have to get very hot first. Dangy has to focus on task at hand…if she weren’t so distracted by Hank’s expert use of large tools. This far in the game, can they risk getting caught in a compromising position?
Unbearable Lust by Milan Kundera
(The Unbearable Lightness of Being)
Tereza is an ambitious photo journalist who’s as sexy as she is talented. But after the Czech beauty takes a dangerous assignment, the Russians mark her as a dissident and nowhere is safe. To the rescue is Tomas, a distinguished surgeon who is very skilled with his hands. As he aids her perilous escape to Switzerland, the question (and other things) will arise: Can he be trusted? Tereza isn’t sure, but she knows the doctor administers one hell of a physical exam. In this exciting journey across international territories, they’ll be heading south of the border—in more ways than one.
Heights of Passion by Emily Brontë
(Wuthering Heights)
Catherine Earnshaw has always been a wild child, doing whatever (and whoever) she pleases. But life at the wealthy English manor has lost its luster, and now she’s listless and hungry for action. Perfect timing for Heathcliff, the newly arrived bad boy from Liverpool. He works as a field hand and as Catherine soon discovers, he knows a thing or two about hoeing. As their youthful lust and secret rendezvous build in intensity, he mysteriously disappears—only to return after her marriage to the wealthy Edgar Linton. Heathcliff wants her back but harbors a dark secret, and she’ll have to tease it out and tame his inner beast to get some answers.
Moby-Dick by ghostwriter “Moby Dick”
This one writes itself.
Pamela by Samuel Richardson
No changes.
**
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